too anti-social + guilty

thinking about skipping the midyear celebration because all i ever got from it was heartache since that first sem. expectations kill. i will just stay at home and do nothing. people should learn from past experiences, yes?

i'll have to read game of thrones while people have fun. that is my punishment.

it hurts yaknow

lamenting my rejection from the abc program once again because i saw the people who got in posting about it. it hurts that they got in and i didn't. it hurts that i'm basically branded as not being as good as they are. it hurts. it just hurts.

is there any sense in comparison/ is there any sense in making myself feel this bad/ what's wrong with me/

i do feel as if i've been giving my best every time but so far it hasn't panned out yet.

must be a sign for me to either work harder or change my career path completely.

let's stick to what we talked about

i wasn't able to post yesterday mainly because of all the CRS-related craziness. basic rundown of the day is waking up at 530 AM to pick ate heny up from the airport. she got mad cause we were about 30 minutes late. i then had breakfast since i had stuff to do the post-doc still and the writeups which i didn't end up doing anyway and just spent my time torrenting.

tata and i then went to the laundry to drop off some stuff and pick stuff up as per usual. then we went to mass at christ the king where i nudged ate heny to stop being so grumpy. we had lunch at gerry's grill and as soon as i got home, i just did nothing on the internet.

social network kicked in after my 6-8pm nap and 9pm dinner all the way untill 2 am.

damn. i'm so lazy.

will tell you about my day today later. see ya.

highs and lows

i'm supposed to be doing the cap post-doc template right now but i can't seem to bring myself to do it. as discussed in the previous post, there have been a lot of things that i haven't quite achieved which i'm beginning to feel the effects of now. there are times when i feel okay about it and times when i feel really bad and wonder where i went wrong.

it's just a total mix of emotions and i guess sembreak is the perfect time to sort everything out while i get ready for the next and final sem of my college life.

there's law school to think about, there's applications to think about - UFLP and whatever else program, and just the future in general like idk my grades.

i just badly want to take a shower right now since i really stink so bad.

today has been an unproductive day overall. hoping for a better tomorrow.

not quite

in what can only be considered a feeble attempt at living a well-examined life, i've decided to start blogging again. i don't know how long it'll last this time. 1 month, 1 week, or just this one post. a lot has been happening in my life lately and it's just become one thing after another that i no longer have any idea where it's all going. i just keep pushing and pushing and pushing without ever really stopping to think if this is where i want to be.

my life has been filed with a lot of 'almosts' lately. almost made it to markprof. almost made it to the ASEAN business challenge. almost made it to the FLL nationals. almost almost almost. when you get close enough to the things you want, and then for some reason you don't end up getting it, who can you blame but yourself and the circumstances. is it that i'm good but other people are better/ or is it cause i don't try as hard as they do/

it must be true then that winners keep winning. but is the reverse true, that losers will keep on losing/

after getting rejected by p+g, i wondered about my career in marketing. is this really what i want. will i die if i don't get into unilever, nestle, or p+g/ is that the end of the world for me/ i just hate getting so close every time and never clinching the winning prize.

domino effect pa rin ba from PANA/ yes because for some reason, i can't seal the deal in anything.

school has been going pretty well though, eng 143 aside. top in 129 and in 177 so i can't complain there. maybe i can win in academics but not in competitions/ maybe.

now that first sem is officially over, i think i spent the first day pretty well. i went to that interview for AIMS and i managed to buy the 2 things i've been wanting for my laptop since day 1 - a case and the HDMI adaptor. here's to finally being able to use my laptop during presentations. gawd. a total hassle the entire sem and one thing that i felt was always pretty much out of my control.

preenlistment round 1 has closed and i'm hoping i get the subjects and the schedule i want. i just want to make my last sem in UP count. career fair is coming up and yearbook is coming up so there's a lot to look forward to. almost graduating. crazy how time flies.

markprof blues

i'm really not expecting anything now for markprof since i don't think i did too well on the group case part of the screening. i probably didn't contribute as much as i should have and i questioned myself too much. i really want to see myself through to the next round but chances are, i didn't shine enough to make the cut. i guess i don't do to well in large groups and i don't stand by my ideas enough. ultimately, i learned a lot and made a couple of new friends but it has me seriously questioning my skills and competencies to be a successful marketeer.

if i can't communicate my ideas and i can't get buy-in from other people, how the hell do i succeed in this? this experience has really put a spotlight on my weaknesses which i can really take to improve myself as early as now.

some key takeaways:

• join as many competitions as possible - get a feel of how the rest of the world does things and what they do well
• it's necessary to have a big idea - something inspiring where all the executions will flow from
• don't shoot down other people's ideas and assume you're right - build on what they're trying to say instead
• frameworks are nice but don't make it like a grocery list of things you have to accomplish - make sure the swot ties into the target market to the USP to the campaign and executions
• just great: #Marketing Tip 3494: When fear chocks you, your mere silence allows competitors to shine. #execution #communication #confidence #markprof
• fabu. fabu.
• better luck next time :/

here we are

this is officially my third day of hibernating here at home. ever since friday night, i've been feeling like death has warmed over me so i've been wisely staying at home.

beginning to doubt how wise that was since i've missed the following events since i was out:

1. Eng 143 class
2. 174 class
3. 177 class
4. cheer dance practice
5. P&G roadshow
6. suit up council event
7. yet another cheer dance practice

that's a whole load of catching up to do this week and i'm not sure if have the energy for it all. i just gotta stop things from falling through all of these cracks that they have been falling through lately.

god. i feel dumb.

in the cobwebs of my brain, is there any semblance of creative or analytic thought left?

what really prompted this post is seeing keempee's post about the p&g roadshow event. seriously. i feel like i am worth nothing. all the time. i cannot cannot do anything right. and i'm tired of proving myself to bitches who don't see everything, geoff.

my only true source of happiness now is doctor who, youtube, and kpop. what is this life.

thoughts from plansem

before completing my forms for my internship tomorrow, i just want to jot down a few of my thoughts from cap's plansem.

i went into it with absolutely no expectations in mind. this time around, i already felt so comfortable in my own skin. there was no more pressure to fit in or live up to someone's standard since i've been through it before. there was no desire to please or shine since it was old hat to me.

living like that, with that mindset...i felt totally free and easy.

during sessions, i was able to speak my mind without the fear of being judged. during inuman, i had the courage to go upstairs and sleep when i knew i reached my limit.

having donna and karah there was easier for me in a way. it gave me a chance to be open to everyone else without the group thing hanging over me and having to stick together at all times. it gave me the freedom to stop comparing myself to them and what they've achieved. in a way, the last plansem was so unhealthy to my self-esteem.

cap plansem wasn't new to me, but everything felt fresh and exciting. i'm so thankful to be in an org that allows me to experience these things without having to change who i am or what i stand for. i'm so glad that i'm appreciated and my ideas are given serious consideration. i feel like i'm talking to such a mature and professional group of people. people who are so driven and filled with creative ideas.

i'm so thankful to be part of this org.

last plansem, i ended it feeling like i had so much to prove. this time around, i end it with the desire to serve in the best way possible. to give my all to an org that has already given me so much.

perhaps i won't always feel this way about cap. there will still be times where i will curse it and blame it for things that happen to me. but right now, i'm just happy and content and excited for the year ahead.

i trust this org. i really do.

Forced to reevaluate/reconsider/rethink some things

yesterday was koko day. i met her, marlo, and marion at trinoma to spend her last few hours in the Philippines. not much to say about the experience except that the entire time, i was forcing the dramatics to start. for us all to acknowledge that koko was leaving, when in fact, it was ME who hadn't accepted it yet. moment of truth came when we were already in the driveway of her house. we just hugged because i had no idea what to say. and that hug is enough to last me for a long time.

more than that though, during the dinner/drinks part, i got to talk to vicky about internship and aiesec related stuff. i'm seriously reconsidering my decision to let go of aiesec in the coming year, seeing as i was passed over by an aiesecer for the P&G position. it's apparently a very real advantage in the corporate world. i'm not even sure if that's what i want but i just want to remain competitive.

so what to do? try for a role in aiesec and try to squeeze it in with the rest of my shit next year? but sigh.

the reality is, i don't know anyone in aiesec anymore. perhaps coming back isn't even a realistic option :( idk.

my nestle experience

i woke up this morning to the sounds of my alarm clock.

this time around, i knew there was no way i could squeeze in an extra 15 minutes of sleep unlike when i have to go to school. there were no shortcuts to getting to nestle's rockwell office and i was still trying to fully grasp the driving directions i had acquired with my mom yesterday.

so i showered, got dressed, had breakfast, put on a little bit of makeup, and went on my way. i seemed to have been driving on autopilot mode so i was along quirino already when i realized that i missed my turn to go to V. Mapa. it was easily corrected by a few u-turns and left turns and i found myself back on track.

i parked at poweplant mall and it was so difficult figuring out how the hell i was gonna get out. the mall was still closed and janitors were milling about, cleaning the floors and such. since i arrived at 8:30, i decided to head to starbucks to kill time. i ordered (my now favorite) iced chai tea latte and sat at one of the tables near the restroom. i grabbed a newspaper, drank my tea, and texted with various people while waiting for 9 AM to roll around. lo and behold, i spot a tiny rat scurry across the floor from the mug shelves to another post. my eyes just widened and i had no idea what to do. i immediately looked around to see if anyone else saw that and there was this asian guy in line who seemed to be looking in my direction. i stared at him, wondering if he was going to report the evil occurrence but i guess he must have just been conversing with the baristas. i returned the newspaper to the stand and quickly left that infested place. i didn't bother reporting anymore since i just really didn't want to have to stay and explain or cause a scene.

after grabbing my shoes from the car, i walked the entire length of poweplant to figure out if there was a nestle entrance anywhere. finding none, i had to go back to the starbucks exit and walk to nestle from there.

when i arrived at the lobby, i saw a fellow UP student who was probably interviewing for the same position as i was. anyway, i was led to the HR room where i saw czarina ocampo and we talked for a little bit. after that, it was my interview with Ms. Lissa who just generally asked me about my resume. i felt like i could have  made my answers sound more impressive since i felt like i was only giving her the basics. it went well enough and i had my interview with the line manager. i was kinda disappointed that it wasn't for any of the cool brands like milo or kitkat but i would take what i can get. turns out, it was an HR internship for the infant nutrition segment of nestle and it would entail handling their med rep leadership program.

i was feeling disappointed after the interview since that's not really the internship i want. i want brand management and marketing and it seems like that is not what this position offers. so i drove away feeling semi-down that my expectations weren't met.

after a while though, i got a text from Ms. Isa asking if i was available for another interview on wednesday. i immediately agreed.

it's dangerous to hope but i'm really praying for a marketing/communications related interview. it's also a really tough squeeze for my ayala internship which is still a go so far.

:SSSSSSSSSSSSSS

i don't know what's going to happen, but i'm just really hoping for the best now (while still expecting the worst of course). i really do hope that things will eventually just fall into place for me with this whole internship thing.

wish me luck :)

New Leaf (Take 2)

this blog was supposed to be all about turning over a new leaf and starting a new chapter in my life. but all it has amounted to so far is a way for me to let out all my angst when it's too hateful to share with anyone else. i guess i may never be able to go back to that girl that used to blog every single day back in high school. i'm now a girl who just tweets a lot on her private k-pop twitter account whenever something major happens.

i can't say i dislike who i am now. i don't even know who i am anymore. and that statement is not a sweeping declaration of how lost i'm supposed to be. it's more of a comment on how i'm living such an unexamined life. for some reason, that quote has just been running through my mind randomly these days. "a life unexamined is a life not worth living." that's not verbatim but i think that's the general idea.

i go through the motions a lot these days and it seems like i rarely stop and ponder at what the hell it all means. i just keep doing, doing, doing. going, going, going. i'm not even sure if i'm happy where i am right now or not.

so i guess this is the purpose of this post tonight. no more promises of a new routine where i blog everyday. if i'm gonna do it, i'm just gonna go ahead and do it. i just want this post to commemorate a change in mindset where i can analyze and process exactly how i feel about what happens to me everyday. in a way, i feel like twitter has robbed me of all the extra thoughts that go through my mind in place of a succinct summary in 140 characters.

so what happened today?

i went to sleep at around 5 am this morning. i was up the entire night along with my ba 170 marketing plan groupmates trying to finish our final paper. for the entire stretch of time between 8:30pm to 12:30am, absolutely nothing was happening to our paper. fen and mj weren't online despite calling for a 7pm meeting. it was just another bout of procrastination on my part since i could have easily written my part right away and went to bed.

damn. why didn't i think of that.

i also spent a considerable amount of time photoshopping the mockup of bench fit. it was really just another procrastinating strategy since i was really dreading having to write anything for the paper since i genuinely lacked direction at where the paper was heading. the group never really met to iron out all the issues and loopholes that may arise.

in the end, we gave a crappy presentation and (i think) generally disappointed our professor. we were so obviously unprepared since we submitted our paper late, crammed the powerpoint until the last second, and were so agape at all the questions they were throwing at us. i can't even find it in me to feel frustrated since we got the presentation we deserved. things didn't magically fall into place this time and we have no one to blame but ourselves.

after the dismal report, donna and i met up with dea and karah to discuss our FYI final pitch. i was surprised to hear that they didn't wanna go through with the competition anymore since there wasn't enough time to completely think the entire thing through. better pull out than give a half-assed presentation, i guess. i applaud them for already knowing their limits. wonder when i'll figure out mine.

i dragged the three of them to katipunan to continue talking while i search for a good place to eat that has free parking (a rarity in katipunan, really). we ended up going all the way to xavierville and went inside chubby chicken. something was way off with their AC and i wasn't about to suffer through that so i suggested transfer to another restaurant. karah stopped by starr's first to try their famous milkshakes and we eventually decided to try eating at brickfire. despite my perception of the place as having really expensive food (which they did), they also had P120 or less meals that is just right for a student's budget. donna and i happily ate the adobo flakes and beef salpicao respectively. yummm is all i can say. definitely worth it and definitely worth coming back!

after more conversation, i dropped off dea at BA since she still had a 198 meeting, and i dropped karah off at her dorm. donna and i traveled the familiar route going to philcoa since she was going home before heading off to her big trinoma date. after that, i just went home and now i pretty much feel like just collapsing and sleeping.

before heading to bed, i've decided to pick my facial routine back up. i am now using pond's acne cleansing scrub paired with the pond's pore cleansing toner. the combined effect of both will hopefully result in a more beautiful and radiant skin by the time i get interviewed on monday.

however, as G-dragon said, sleep is the real secret to beautiful skin and who am i to disagree with a makeup endorser? so i guess that's it for now.

wish me luck and hengshoooo :)

lying to myself

this day is just filled with disappointments. i feel like i am being treated so unfairly with how things are going. nothing is making me feel better right now despite rational thinking telling me that there's a perfectly good reason for everything being the way it is.

disappointment #1: having kim tell other people about the call from nestle. i told her that in confidence because i know how much she wants to get in and i wanted to compare notes as to how the application was going. i did not predict that she would go telling it to janelle and all the others. sam chua came up to me on my way to 151 and she just asked out of the blue what the call was about. the girl barely looks at me and now she knows something i told a friend in secret.

i am annoyed at kim for divulging information that i chose to share with just her. i feel betrayed that she found it so easy to go telling stories about me. while the story is positive, it kills me that people now consider it as common knowledge to be shared and reshared. internship applications involve so much drama and competition that i'd rather keep this shit to myself until it's for sure. it's so early in the game that i feel like everyone is just hungry for information on each other's progress. i hate hearing about other people's dealings because it makes me directly compare it with my own. can't we all just mind our damn business?!

so at least the lesson has been learned, i won't talk about any of my internship shit with my friends anymore. it just puts me in a really bad fucking mood.

disappointment #2: performance-reward gap with BA170. it seems like i work my ass off to come up with the best possible shit for 170 and it just doesn't translate when it comes to grades. i put so much time and effort into researching and fine-tuning each paper that i've come to expect a certain degree of numerical value as compensation.

but it's just not happening. what's more frustrating is that other people can just cram their work and would still get a higher grade. i don't understand why effort is not directly linked to grades in this marketing class. i don't understand what i'm doing wrong. i don't get what their output has that ours doesn't. it's fucking unfair and it's strong enough to demotivate me from performing in this class since i don't see any payoff from my efforts. i feel like there's something missing from what we put out but i have no idea what. i feel like we put so many things into consideration and it still doesn't get the outcome we want. it fucking kills me that i put in so much work and others can just skate by and get higher grades without the same level of effort. it fucking kills yo.

maybe they're just better than me. maybe they know something i don't.

disappointment #3: missing the microsoft assessment center and eventually getting rejected. sigh. trade-offs.

a really bad day all in all. hope things get better soon.

totally fucked

before i delve into the pit that is facebook, i should probably try to make sense of all the things i'm feeling now.

this whole day feels like a bad dream, to be honest. i woke up about 30 minutes after the time i set on my alarm. this should already be a bad sign but i've gotten so used to just ignoring the alarm when i wake up, knowing that i can still squeeze in more sleeping time and just rush my preparations to school.

i must have seriously freaked Flor out, as i lay in Ate Heny's bed this morning, wearing only my underwear, my hair wrapped in a towel turban, and bundled up in my sister's green fluffy blanket, staring blankly into space.

what a purpose-less driven life.

first real blow to the ego today is when my pants scratched the screen of my blackberry. i frantically wiped at the scratch, willing it to go away. i licked and rubbed and wiped some more but the freaking scratch won't fade. i don't know if this is supposed to be an overarching metaphor for the rest of this day but it seems like the world is really against me. i have always stuffed my phone in my jeans and i have never gotten a scratch that deep or that obvious. right now, it's more tolerable but if you look closely, it's practically screaming imperfection. what an apt metaphor for me.

next bad thing of the day is getting my 142 results back. yup, i pretty much anticipated that i would get a low score but that doesn't protect me from the fact that i got a 64 out of a 100. tres level. my god. me and numbers. totally regretting giving out that finance version of my resume. i'll stick to the leadership shit for now, i guess. i just didn't study enough for the exam and it showed. i missed this opportunity to make my grade in 142 an uno because the best i can get now is a 1.5 since the midterms is equivalent to 40% of the final grade. gahd i'm such a fucking idiot. seriously. seriously. so dumb.

next bad thing is the 115 exam. again, i didn't study/practice enough so i ended up guessing a lot of the items. shite. there are a lot of people who feel the same way but i'm starting to think there really is no comfort in numbers. i don't know how else i'm supposed to get a good grade in that subject. must start reading the book i guess and really listen in class now.

overall, a shitty day. i am now trying to give up asianfanfiction, fanfiction.net, youtube, and twitter. how do i block those sites from my browser? gotta get a chrome web app for that.

cmon chica. time to turn things around. less and less time to do so.