okay, here I am, stuck on the computer with my 160 midterms looming over my head in a little over 9 hours. I haven't studied a lick due to my disinterest in the subject. seriously. i've taken this before and I have no interest in going through this again. it's such a waste of time but i must do it since it's 30% of my final grade. seeing as my recitation grade is about 2.25-2.5 at best, i really have to do well to pull it back up.
it doesn't help that i'm currently suffering from a cold which manifested this morning.
i'm making excuses, i know.
you have no idea how much i want to be that boring person. the boring person who just studies and gets stuff done way before the deadline.
what happened to me? when did i become so lazy? is the culture in BA really ruining people's routines?
things used to come so easy. high school seems like a cinch compared to what I'm doing now but it's possible that I was just trying harder then.
i really just want to be a nerd and find joy in studying. why why why can't i do that anymore?
i've even lost the ability to write paragraphs, read books, and discover music i like.
lately, it's all about instant gratification. exo fanfics, preferably one shots that give me that instant hit of dopamine. i would just like to get my life back under control. can i do that? can i do that now that there's no more cap work. no more GA work. can i finally just focus on my studies and my job hunt?
thinking about law school makes me reek. both my law subjects, 161 and now 160 have proven to me that i do not have the memory for any sort of recitation. i can't fake it. how the hell am i supposed to survive law school with this performance?
i know my sister and my mom think i lack hard work. and they're right. but i just can't bring myself to pursue something that gives me no joy whatsoever. perhaps that's what's wrong with my generation. too often we are told to do the things that make us happy. never with the reminder to not give up when things get hard.
i don't know anymore. i just know that at some point tonight i will have to actually open my textbooksss and take all this law shit for my exam while feeling delirious from the cold medicine.
i just want to sleep. that's all i think i'm good for.
