New Year's Resolution!

LIVE MORE!!!! FO SERIOUS!

End of the Year Post

it's the last day of 2012 so i'm forcing myself to finally write this blog post. i've been thinking about this all throughout this christmas break because i really feel like i've been keeping a lot of my feelings in. i feel like i don't even have an outlet anymore to say what i've been thinking and it gets stuck in the bogeda that is my head and it will fester and die there. i feel like i've been pushing a lot of thoughts down because i can't deal with them just yet and i guess i want to start dealing with them if i can have a fresh start in 2013.

this line i've read keeps coming back to me as i think about "fresh starts". i don't know if it was a tweet or a tumblr post but i read that if you're really serious about your new year's resolutions, you wouldn't start them on january 1, you would start them now. and i feel like that's what i've been catching up on in these last few days of 2012. so far, i've watched the movie Disclosure for our BA151 report but that's basically it. i haven't started on career fair layouts, or that 105 reaction paper, or that other 105 case paper thing. i guess i'm just in limbo right now.

i really feel like i have been for the months after i got kicked out of the BAA program. like, i'm just floating, cruising by, going through the motions. i have had no goals, no drive to succeed, no inclination to create because i feel...empty. like i don't know who i'm supposed to be anymore. i feel hollow but not in a bad way. hollow like there's nothing left for me to be. i just really don't know where i want to go so i'm making no attempt to figure out how to get there. i'm passive. so, so passive and i don't know how i can move past it.

i thought cleaning my room would help. so i cleaned it a couple of days ago because it's been in the same state since the sem break. i thought that maybe if i fixed up my table which was overflowing with all my accounting notes, it would be therapeutic for me and i would learn to let go of that failure. it wasn't a total waste. seeing all my accounting notes made me realize that in my own way, i DID try to succeed at 114.1. once and for all, i realize that numbers are not really my strong suit. so that leaves the question: what is my strong suit? do i even have one? what's my worth in this world? my purpose? my ultimate goal? i really don't know.

over dinner last night, my mom (who i am not in particularly good terms with at the moment) asked me about my unforgettable moments of 2012. and i realized that they were all bad moments. getting stranded at pantranco. getting kicked out of the BAA program. failing to get into BA 198. getting kicked out of ABAM. getting bitten by my own dog. seriously. what the fuck, 2012? i have had a really bad year when it comes right down to it. i feel like i'm losing at every corner and for what? i can terribly relate to Ted or whoever that HIMYM character when he said that he just needed a "win". i need a win badly too. maybe i have had wins but i'm just too dense to see them when they come for me because overall, i think i've had a pretty shitty year. i don't know how i'm supposed to turn things around but i know i'm gonna have to start trying harder. try harder for fuck's sake. participate. get involved. become part. immerse. just BE. i feel like after all the blows this year, it's hard to open up myself to new things because i'm getting scared of the consequences. but no one ever regretted something they never did or something like that (lol i also need to read more books too because i'm getting rusty at using figures of speech) so i just really have to try harder.

live more. right, smart? i need to stop being so lazy. always looking for the easy way out. i don't know how i'm gonna do that but i know i need to wake up from this stupor of nothingness and start living. start getting a life. it's time to move on from past mistakes and failures and start making new ones. i need to keep making mistakes because then at least i know i'm doing something with my life. at least i can chalk it up to experience which i think i sorely lack and what i'm in college for anyway. let's do this, 2013. let's go make as many mistakes as possible.

Right

since my mom has done her nightly shout at me to get to bed already "matulog ka na. wala namang kapararakan ang ginagawa mo", i guess it is high time for me to do this post. i aspired to write on this blog everyday but alas, there's really nothing interesting happening on most days. one mega post for all the things that happened this past week should suffice.

monday - got the 114.1 results back and promptly saw that i did not do as well as i should have. anyway, i already talked about this at length in my first post so i shan't discuss it here. after that, pia, kim, donna, and i went to icecreamist along maginhawa(?) to celebrate/mourn the past semester. the main selling point of icecreamist is its liquid nitrogen ice cream and off the wall flavors such as smores, banana cream pie, strawberry mint, etc. what am i saying? i have pictures to show you!

after that, kim had to go and donna left too so pia and i were left to our own devices. since i had to meet my mom at gateway by 7:20, pia graciously killed time with me before i had to go. we went to national bookstore where she got materials for her TARDIS binder. right after, we wento QKebab for some solid merienda. the place is really nice and serves really good food with excellent portions. worth the 120-160 price range! i had the chicken shawarma and it was so big i had to leave some of it uneaten. i definitely wanna go back there and try their beef basmati! thinking about it right now is making my mouth water. i suppose i just have a weakness for good kebab (ehemeconcafkebabehem)

so i got on the lrt to go to cubao. mom and i watched the documentary, Give Up Tomorrow. it was really thought provoking and disturbing. it came across as balanced but i still have reservations because of certain editing choices. like the 114.1 topic, i have exhausted all my opinions about this documentary on a conversation with Ate Heny. i'm not sure i'm entirely convinced since i haven't actually heard what the other side has to say but this documentary just argued so convincingly, especially Prof. Monsod that it really appears that he was so unfairly treated. foolishly, i just hope justice wins in the end.

tuesday - release of AIESEC roles for the second semester. i got OCVPF which was my 3rd choice. at first, i really didn't feel anything about this. but when i was going through my desk earlier, i found all my old legit looking files from my time as a finance manager of OGX. it just made me realize how much i did for the org at the time and it got me excited for this new role i have. maybe this won't be enough to get me noticed in AIESEC, but i know i will treasure this experience.

wednesday - voter's registration! i went to the QC Hall to apply to be a registered voter. <i realize this is bad sentence construction but you get the point, right? i arrived at about 10:30 AM and finished just shy of 12:30. 2 hours. relatively good for a government process. throughout, i recognized 3 people. this guy from my anthro 10 class who has glasses and i once saw at CMC as an app for cineaste. this guy from my geog 1 class who is from CHK and is a swimmer and is wearing a headband. and finally, tim esguerra, the owner of the infamous paper that sent the junior BAA batch in quite a tailspin. we exchanged a few words just as i was leaving and can i just comment on how pleasant that conversation was. it was polite, it was brief, and it wasn't awkward. that is a blessing. we just talked about which barangay we were from since we belong to the same district and when we could get our comelec IDs and that was it. short and friendly. uncomplicated. hahaha i'm sorry. it's just so rare for a conversation with an acquaintance to be anything but awkward.

thursday - woke up at the ass crack of dawn (4 AM) to drive mom and ate ida to the subdivision gate so they could get a taxi to the airport. i'm pretty sure i was half-asleep the entire time. on the drive back to the house, i started getting paranoid that i would suddenly see someone sitting at the back of my car because of the late hour and cold night. nothing of the sort happened. suffice it to say that i didn't really glance at my rear view mirror at all that night. stayed at home for the rest of the day because of the rain. was supposed to go to the derma but...rain.

friday - got a text from dhiren saying that CF meeting had to be moved because not a lot of people could make it. i immediately planned the rest of the bum day but then he texted 2 minutes later saying we were a go. the whiplash killed me. i suddenly had plans again :))  anyway, arrived at KFC katipunan, attended the meeting, discussed comm plans with geoff and ryan, and went home.

saturday - not much

sunday - not much. had dinner at chic boy, e rod and had a laugh when mom wore the free cap they gave away.

so there! all caught up! time to move on to other things. til next time :)

Okay.

now playing: i will do anything for you - foster the people

okay. that's a lie. i actually paused my itunes so i could get down to the business of writing this blog entry. so far, my life has not been going as planned.

wait.

is there even a plan? aren't i just going through the motions? aren't i just doing what i can to keep my head above water? it certainly seems like that excuses my behavior if i stick with that excuse. but the truth is, there is a plan. and i was going to stick to it but i couldn't. the plan was to graduate as a BAA student. the plan was to take the the CPA board exams and be a certified public accountant. the plan was to live the cushy life that might have offered me.

but no. apparently, (and we all know it well) plans change. i didn't make the grade to pass 114.1 and that's why my plans have to change. i have resigned myself to that fact. i'm not agonized over it because i saw it happen. i saw my exam scores and i logically assumed that that was the end of my accounting career. i guess i should have taken the hint when i got a 2.25 in 99.1 and a 3.00 in 99.2. but a part of me wanted to see if i could take it to the next level. all my grades were really good and they helped me earn a spot in the BAA program.

i guess things just don't work out the way i initially intended them to. i intended to study really hard and do really well to prove myself worthy of being BAA. i did none of those things. instead, i'm pretty sure i coasted by in group projects and crammed every exam i ever took this sem. not exactly the thing to be doing if i was going to survive. instead, i focused on org work, friends, org work, sleep. i couldn't hack it and that seriously bothers me. but it really doesn't do to dwell in the past so i must now move on and look forward. i am now back to the BA program in a block filled with my fellow disqualified classmates and i will be facing 21 units in the coming semester. that, plus career fair, plus whatever role i get in AIESEC, plus back to readjusting to this new life. i'm hopeful things will work out. i hope i can just keep my head down, quietly do the work, and still enjoy a laugh or two with my friends.

God, i asked really hard in my prayers for you to let me pass accounting but i guess that wasn't what my heart was saying. i'm not exactly sure anymore where i'm supposed to go from here but i know i just have to keep moving forward. i know i've disappointed my mom terribly (she wouldn't be my mom if she weren't disappointed about this) and i've let my sister down who had such high hopes for me because she truly believed that being BAA would give me an edge in the real world. sigh. whatever lies ahead, i hope i will be able to carry it out well and i will go back to being the person i want to be known as - responsible - someone people can depend on. lately, i just feel like i've been letting so many people down. ABAM, Karah, Kim. i just feel like more than owing myself a win, i owe them a win as well.

i recognize that it's time for a change. it has been a long time coming. and i guess starting this blog is part of that. i had this whole idea in my head of how the title of this post should be "my short second life as a BAA student" and perhaps i should do that. it still sounds like a really good idea to me. i guess, now that i'm really writing this down, i can't laugh it off and be joke-y about it. this is serious because it affects other people too. mostly me, truthfully but other people have a say in it.

i've heard enough encouraging things today to see that i really don't have it so bad. i can work this out. i can turn this around. i just dread the platitudes that are coming my way when other people start making assumptions about me and the kind of person i am. well, fuck em. fuck em to hell. they can feel as awkward as they like about me but i know who i am and what i'm capable of. haha. go self!

my mind is focusing a lot on what i will lose because of this and it's so difficult to focus on what i stand to gain by this change in my life. this whole situation reminds me of something i read recently, "do you really think you're still lost, or you've finally been found?". haha something along those lines at least. basically, what i got from it is that maybe this is where i'm supposed to be. maybe this is the universe knocking me into the right lane. maybe this will all work out for the best. i fear i've rambled on too long in my quest to justify my actions. in any case, i'm glad i started this new blog to document this new journey i'll be going on. having sam reread my high school blog has definitely made me regret not having a college blog. what better way to look back ten years down the road on all these confusing times than to maintain a blog. maybe tomorrow, i'll do more of an update than the feels post this turned out to be. okay, til next time! -andi