lying to myself

this day is just filled with disappointments. i feel like i am being treated so unfairly with how things are going. nothing is making me feel better right now despite rational thinking telling me that there's a perfectly good reason for everything being the way it is.

disappointment #1: having kim tell other people about the call from nestle. i told her that in confidence because i know how much she wants to get in and i wanted to compare notes as to how the application was going. i did not predict that she would go telling it to janelle and all the others. sam chua came up to me on my way to 151 and she just asked out of the blue what the call was about. the girl barely looks at me and now she knows something i told a friend in secret.

i am annoyed at kim for divulging information that i chose to share with just her. i feel betrayed that she found it so easy to go telling stories about me. while the story is positive, it kills me that people now consider it as common knowledge to be shared and reshared. internship applications involve so much drama and competition that i'd rather keep this shit to myself until it's for sure. it's so early in the game that i feel like everyone is just hungry for information on each other's progress. i hate hearing about other people's dealings because it makes me directly compare it with my own. can't we all just mind our damn business?!

so at least the lesson has been learned, i won't talk about any of my internship shit with my friends anymore. it just puts me in a really bad fucking mood.

disappointment #2: performance-reward gap with BA170. it seems like i work my ass off to come up with the best possible shit for 170 and it just doesn't translate when it comes to grades. i put so much time and effort into researching and fine-tuning each paper that i've come to expect a certain degree of numerical value as compensation.

but it's just not happening. what's more frustrating is that other people can just cram their work and would still get a higher grade. i don't understand why effort is not directly linked to grades in this marketing class. i don't understand what i'm doing wrong. i don't get what their output has that ours doesn't. it's fucking unfair and it's strong enough to demotivate me from performing in this class since i don't see any payoff from my efforts. i feel like there's something missing from what we put out but i have no idea what. i feel like we put so many things into consideration and it still doesn't get the outcome we want. it fucking kills me that i put in so much work and others can just skate by and get higher grades without the same level of effort. it fucking kills yo.

maybe they're just better than me. maybe they know something i don't.

disappointment #3: missing the microsoft assessment center and eventually getting rejected. sigh. trade-offs.

a really bad day all in all. hope things get better soon.