New Year's Resolution!

LIVE MORE!!!! FO SERIOUS!

End of the Year Post

it's the last day of 2012 so i'm forcing myself to finally write this blog post. i've been thinking about this all throughout this christmas break because i really feel like i've been keeping a lot of my feelings in. i feel like i don't even have an outlet anymore to say what i've been thinking and it gets stuck in the bogeda that is my head and it will fester and die there. i feel like i've been pushing a lot of thoughts down because i can't deal with them just yet and i guess i want to start dealing with them if i can have a fresh start in 2013.

this line i've read keeps coming back to me as i think about "fresh starts". i don't know if it was a tweet or a tumblr post but i read that if you're really serious about your new year's resolutions, you wouldn't start them on january 1, you would start them now. and i feel like that's what i've been catching up on in these last few days of 2012. so far, i've watched the movie Disclosure for our BA151 report but that's basically it. i haven't started on career fair layouts, or that 105 reaction paper, or that other 105 case paper thing. i guess i'm just in limbo right now.

i really feel like i have been for the months after i got kicked out of the BAA program. like, i'm just floating, cruising by, going through the motions. i have had no goals, no drive to succeed, no inclination to create because i feel...empty. like i don't know who i'm supposed to be anymore. i feel hollow but not in a bad way. hollow like there's nothing left for me to be. i just really don't know where i want to go so i'm making no attempt to figure out how to get there. i'm passive. so, so passive and i don't know how i can move past it.

i thought cleaning my room would help. so i cleaned it a couple of days ago because it's been in the same state since the sem break. i thought that maybe if i fixed up my table which was overflowing with all my accounting notes, it would be therapeutic for me and i would learn to let go of that failure. it wasn't a total waste. seeing all my accounting notes made me realize that in my own way, i DID try to succeed at 114.1. once and for all, i realize that numbers are not really my strong suit. so that leaves the question: what is my strong suit? do i even have one? what's my worth in this world? my purpose? my ultimate goal? i really don't know.

over dinner last night, my mom (who i am not in particularly good terms with at the moment) asked me about my unforgettable moments of 2012. and i realized that they were all bad moments. getting stranded at pantranco. getting kicked out of the BAA program. failing to get into BA 198. getting kicked out of ABAM. getting bitten by my own dog. seriously. what the fuck, 2012? i have had a really bad year when it comes right down to it. i feel like i'm losing at every corner and for what? i can terribly relate to Ted or whoever that HIMYM character when he said that he just needed a "win". i need a win badly too. maybe i have had wins but i'm just too dense to see them when they come for me because overall, i think i've had a pretty shitty year. i don't know how i'm supposed to turn things around but i know i'm gonna have to start trying harder. try harder for fuck's sake. participate. get involved. become part. immerse. just BE. i feel like after all the blows this year, it's hard to open up myself to new things because i'm getting scared of the consequences. but no one ever regretted something they never did or something like that (lol i also need to read more books too because i'm getting rusty at using figures of speech) so i just really have to try harder.

live more. right, smart? i need to stop being so lazy. always looking for the easy way out. i don't know how i'm gonna do that but i know i need to wake up from this stupor of nothingness and start living. start getting a life. it's time to move on from past mistakes and failures and start making new ones. i need to keep making mistakes because then at least i know i'm doing something with my life. at least i can chalk it up to experience which i think i sorely lack and what i'm in college for anyway. let's do this, 2013. let's go make as many mistakes as possible.