Delusions of Romance

I've been going crazy these past two weeks because of my crush on this one guy. It's crazy because for the first time ever, there's a possibility that he likes me back.

So I get distracted thinking about possible conversations, possible situations, possible moments. In short, I've been daydreaming.

But I'm not really sure what I want so there's been a push and pull on my part between expressing my interest and ignoring him completely. Because come on, we've known each other how long? There's attraction, yes, but not enough to sustain anything of worth. Or am I just taking everything too seriously?

Either way, I think that the decision has been made for me. He is now sort of shifting his attention towards another girl and while I feel bad about that, I realize I can't blame him. I'm writing this down because I want the issue to come to a close. I no longer want to agonize over whether he's chatting me up on facebook or chatting up the other girl. I no longer want to think if there's any meaning behind him liking my photos. I don't want to think about him that way anymore. I don't want to go crazy and resent the other girl for being responsive to his attentions.

I'm hoping we can just go to being friends who are comfortable with each other. I feel like we started on the wrong foot with him immediately coming on too strong towards me. I want to feel the easy conversation like I do with the other guys without fear of having it allude to something romantic.

It's my fault for reading too much into it. I realize that now. His past behavior has shown that he seems to be going through the girls and seeing where it takes him. That's a bit harshly put but is nonetheless evident from his actions.

While I have enjoyed his attentions with the view that it has potential for becoming more, I would now like to take it for what it is, no malisya. I'll smile at him when he smiles at me and leave it at that. I think this whole thing has prevented me from becoming a friend to him which is truly regrettable.

It is high time to leave past flirtations behind and start from scratch. I think that's the only way I can move forward :)

super productive day!

1. paid my smart bill to the tune of P852.50
2. got an X-ray at delos santos worth P357
3. bought iphone charger at cd-r king for P120

it's official. going out = spending money -__________-

the sunday currently

all these thought catalog-like posts about all the realizations people have when they graduate from college really makes me want to write something down and start thinking about my life a little deeper once more.

right now, i'm still as much of a bum as ever. nothing worthwhile really occupies my time so I spend days on end just reading fanfic or playing temple run. yes, i know. lame. but that's what happens when money is tight and all resourcefulness has flown out the window.

i'm not trying to justify my behavior but i'm stuck in this rut and i like it here.i like it enough that i don't do anything to change it.

i realize that this should be the time for me to read quality books, watch quality movies, and watch quality tv shows. but all i end up doing is reading badly written exo/oc fanfic because it makes me happy.

i don't know either.

let me make a list of the productive things i could be doing so maybe i'll consider doing them:

1. get a copy of my TCG so that I can start getting processed and get my admission slip to law school
2. get my chest x-ray done
3. call up sky cable to get a replacement remote for the digibox
4. call up the samsung service center so they can fix our TV that's been out since thursday

so far, those are the things that i've been delaying. will try to do them all tomorrow. 

this laundry job is a double-edged sword. it makes me useful and renders me completely useless at the same time.

carpe diem

shutting everything down to write on this blog once and for all.

it's may 30 which is almost an entire month since my college graduation. not a lot has happened since. i actually have no idea what to write about since it's been such a long time.

hold on though my mom is asking me to eat merienda with her. newsflash: it's corn.

...

that was some delicious green corn. now on to the rest of the post.

my life recently has mostly consisted of me waking up to the sound of my mom's voice telling me to get ready to leave for the laundry. a recent change in operations has us doing all the laundry at Unit 2 of the condo to be delivered to the store at waltermart. ever since waltermart has banned our store from doing any washing there (due to some BS about how they don't have the facilities to properly drain the water), only drying, pressing, and dry clean can be done at the store itself. which leaves me as the driver to pick up and deliver the laundry back and forth from the store and the condo.

it's not such a bad deal because the whole thing takes about 30 minutes at most. what gets me is that there is always no parking slot available when I get there. and if there is, it's been taken over by tricycles or motorcycles. it's a daily source of scowling. i asked my mom if it was possible to have one of those reserved parking signs (if chubby chicken can do it, so can we) but she says she already asked management about it and they said no. fuckin hell. management.

after doing that task, my mom leaves me to my devices. so that basically involves watching ellen on 2ndavenue and then the tonight show with jimmy fallon on my movie channel. after that it's all computer/tablet/iphone until dinnertime. damn this unproductive life.

a lot of my friends are either job hunting, already working, travelling in Europe or Japan (must be the new promo rates), or otherwise doing something fruitful with their time. i'm sure there are bums like me who basically treat watching movies and tv shows as their main activity as well. so far, none of us seem active on facebook so it's hard to verify. though my total lack of activity bothers me, it hasn't reached the point where I feel the need to do anything about it. i'm fine with reading exo fanfiction all day. i'm fine just listening to music on my iphone. i'm fine with having a messy room. these days of summer laziness and 10+ hours of sleep will surely catch up with me once I start classes in August. it has occurred to me to do some advance reading. but it seems premature at the moment when I haven't even bothered applying for my OTR and COG. I plan to do that on wednesday though with Donna. so excited to exchange stories again no matter how trivial mine may seem in comparison to hers.

i guess that's all I have to say for now. let me do this thing I ripped off another blog. it's supposed to be a Sunday thing but during summer, errday is Sunday!
...

C U R R E N T L Y . . .

• R E A D I N G  - exo fanfiction, the heirs fanfiction, and too embarrassing fanfiction on AFF. i have so many legit novels on my nightstand and every single night my tablet wins out and i read fanfic instead. i don't know how to fix his. halp.
• L I S T E N I N G  - to the Overdose album and the Frozen soundtrack while dreaming up scenarios in my mind of getting to meet exo. i know i need help but i like it too much.
• T H I N K I N G  - about blogging more and more so I can keep a record of what I feel like these days. regret not doing this in college. I will forever be grateful to my high school self for preserving all the wonderful feelings and events.
• S M E L L I N G  - rain. it rains practically daily now. goodbye summer? (song by f(x) ft. D.O.!! halp)
• W I S H I N G  - for motivation to get an internship. is it too late? where do I even get one??
• H O P I N G  - for a random call for an internship. fat chance but I just recharged my BB so hopefully I can start receiving calls from my globe number again :P
• W E A R I N G  - my career fair shirt, reversible shorts (serious dark blue side on vs. the hawaiian floral print inside), and blue house slippers. not wearing my usual ratty black shirt and short shorts combo since my mom made me go the metrobank this morning.)
• L O V I N G  - my bed no matter how sticky it gets at night when it's too hot. stayed over at my sister's condo last weekend and nothing ever really compares to lying down in your own nasty ass bed.
• W A N T I N G  - a new wardrobe for school. one direction concert tickets. taylor swift tickets. exo in manila tickets. money, juseyo.
• N E E D I N G  - focus and attention span to finish an actual book with actual pages to flip. i keep buying books but i end up just stockpiling them on my headboard.
• F E E L I N G  - listless.
• C L I C K I N G  - through exo fic recommendation sites. actually planning to start my own for my OTP, krishan (no regrets just love for kris my ultimate bias)

9 hours to go

okay, here I am, stuck on the computer with my 160 midterms looming over my head in a little over 9 hours. I haven't studied a lick due to my disinterest in the subject. seriously. i've taken this before and I have no interest in going through this again. it's such a waste of time but i must do it since it's 30% of my final grade. seeing as my recitation grade is about 2.25-2.5 at best, i really have to do well to pull it back up.

it doesn't help that i'm currently suffering from a cold which manifested this morning.

i'm making excuses, i know.

you have no idea how much i want to be that boring person. the boring person who just studies and gets stuff done way before the deadline.

what happened to me? when did i become so lazy? is the culture in BA really ruining people's routines?

things used to come so easy. high school seems like a cinch compared to what I'm doing now but it's possible that I was just trying harder then.

i really just want to be a nerd and find joy in studying. why why why can't i do that anymore?

i've even lost the ability to write paragraphs, read books, and discover music i like.

lately, it's all about instant gratification. exo fanfics, preferably one shots that give me that instant hit of dopamine. i would just like to get my life back under control. can i do that? can i do that now that there's no more cap work. no more GA work. can i finally just focus on my studies and my job hunt?

thinking about law school makes me reek. both my law subjects, 161 and now 160 have proven to me that i do not have the memory for any sort of recitation. i can't fake it. how the hell am i supposed to survive law school with this performance?

i know my sister and my mom think i lack hard work. and they're right. but i just can't bring myself to pursue something that gives me no joy whatsoever. perhaps that's what's wrong with my generation. too often we are told to do the things that make us happy. never with the reminder to not give up when things get hard.

i don't know anymore. i just know that at some point tonight i will have to actually open my textbooksss and take all this law shit for my exam while feeling delirious from the cold medicine.

i just want to sleep. that's all i think i'm good for.

new year thoughts

what does it feel like to be number 1? will I ever know?

i need to stop running away. must finish everything or else it will haunt me forever.

UGH. stretched myself too thin this time.