Okay.

now playing: i will do anything for you - foster the people

okay. that's a lie. i actually paused my itunes so i could get down to the business of writing this blog entry. so far, my life has not been going as planned.

wait.

is there even a plan? aren't i just going through the motions? aren't i just doing what i can to keep my head above water? it certainly seems like that excuses my behavior if i stick with that excuse. but the truth is, there is a plan. and i was going to stick to it but i couldn't. the plan was to graduate as a BAA student. the plan was to take the the CPA board exams and be a certified public accountant. the plan was to live the cushy life that might have offered me.

but no. apparently, (and we all know it well) plans change. i didn't make the grade to pass 114.1 and that's why my plans have to change. i have resigned myself to that fact. i'm not agonized over it because i saw it happen. i saw my exam scores and i logically assumed that that was the end of my accounting career. i guess i should have taken the hint when i got a 2.25 in 99.1 and a 3.00 in 99.2. but a part of me wanted to see if i could take it to the next level. all my grades were really good and they helped me earn a spot in the BAA program.

i guess things just don't work out the way i initially intended them to. i intended to study really hard and do really well to prove myself worthy of being BAA. i did none of those things. instead, i'm pretty sure i coasted by in group projects and crammed every exam i ever took this sem. not exactly the thing to be doing if i was going to survive. instead, i focused on org work, friends, org work, sleep. i couldn't hack it and that seriously bothers me. but it really doesn't do to dwell in the past so i must now move on and look forward. i am now back to the BA program in a block filled with my fellow disqualified classmates and i will be facing 21 units in the coming semester. that, plus career fair, plus whatever role i get in AIESEC, plus back to readjusting to this new life. i'm hopeful things will work out. i hope i can just keep my head down, quietly do the work, and still enjoy a laugh or two with my friends.

God, i asked really hard in my prayers for you to let me pass accounting but i guess that wasn't what my heart was saying. i'm not exactly sure anymore where i'm supposed to go from here but i know i just have to keep moving forward. i know i've disappointed my mom terribly (she wouldn't be my mom if she weren't disappointed about this) and i've let my sister down who had such high hopes for me because she truly believed that being BAA would give me an edge in the real world. sigh. whatever lies ahead, i hope i will be able to carry it out well and i will go back to being the person i want to be known as - responsible - someone people can depend on. lately, i just feel like i've been letting so many people down. ABAM, Karah, Kim. i just feel like more than owing myself a win, i owe them a win as well.

i recognize that it's time for a change. it has been a long time coming. and i guess starting this blog is part of that. i had this whole idea in my head of how the title of this post should be "my short second life as a BAA student" and perhaps i should do that. it still sounds like a really good idea to me. i guess, now that i'm really writing this down, i can't laugh it off and be joke-y about it. this is serious because it affects other people too. mostly me, truthfully but other people have a say in it.

i've heard enough encouraging things today to see that i really don't have it so bad. i can work this out. i can turn this around. i just dread the platitudes that are coming my way when other people start making assumptions about me and the kind of person i am. well, fuck em. fuck em to hell. they can feel as awkward as they like about me but i know who i am and what i'm capable of. haha. go self!

my mind is focusing a lot on what i will lose because of this and it's so difficult to focus on what i stand to gain by this change in my life. this whole situation reminds me of something i read recently, "do you really think you're still lost, or you've finally been found?". haha something along those lines at least. basically, what i got from it is that maybe this is where i'm supposed to be. maybe this is the universe knocking me into the right lane. maybe this will all work out for the best. i fear i've rambled on too long in my quest to justify my actions. in any case, i'm glad i started this new blog to document this new journey i'll be going on. having sam reread my high school blog has definitely made me regret not having a college blog. what better way to look back ten years down the road on all these confusing times than to maintain a blog. maybe tomorrow, i'll do more of an update than the feels post this turned out to be. okay, til next time! -andi